Several months ago, I did a somewhat thorough purge of all the memorabilia in my old bedroom at my parents' house (as in, I went through it all and left it there, of course - sorry, Mom). My friend Cheyenne was planning her wedding, and I was looking particularly for our "Best Friends Book." It was a small scrapbook that we made when we were probably 13 years old, complete with goofy pictures, inside jokes, and quotes of weird things we'd said (like, truly weird - for some reason the phrase "Willy Winkers" sticks out to me...). I was going to add to or revamp the Best Friends Book as a wedding gift to her, but I never found it (I made a new scrapbook instead, but I really would have loved to find the old one).
However, while I was searching for the Best Friends Book, I came across tons of stuff that I'd saved from my junior high and high school days, and naturally, I had to examine everything and reminisce. A couple of things from my senior year stuck out to me in particular and still stand out in my mind, as 2017 comes rapidly to an end, and I can't help but reflecting on all I have and haven't accomplished this year (...or any of the other years).
One of those things was a collection of essays that I compiled and had bound for an English project in 12th grade - most of the essays were rather dull, as the topics were pulled from a list given to us by the teacher. However, the cover page caught my attention. It had pictures of me and my friends on it, and the title was phrased as though this collection of essays was my future self's memoir. The cover said something along the lines of "Memoirs of a ____," and fill in the blank with like 10 different labels - animal rights activist, talk show host, author, philanthropist, the list goes on. When I first saw the cover page, I couldn't help but laugh at how ambitious I had been.
The other item was my senior yearbook. You know how seniors get their own special page at the beginning of the yearbook where they have quotes or little bios written underneath their pictures? Mine said this of my plans post-high school: "babies, marriage, college - not in that order" (I have no babies, no marriage, and a college degree that took me 7 years to get and is so far proving useless, by the way). And then my favorite Bible verse: Psalms 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." I had always believed in that statement, accepted it as truth. Now I desperately cling to the notion.
And as I reflect on those imprints of my past self, I am taken aback at how different I am today, and it makes me very sad - I rarely feel the same kind of hope that I glean from reading the declarations I once made about who I was and who I was going to be. I sit here, still jobless after searching for almost 2 months, wondering when I should just give up entirely on any remnants of the dreams I still have (and there were so many, as you read earlier). I was 17 years old and so sure that I was going to be somebody great - somebody who might even change the world. Now, I am 25 years old, and there are only occasional, brief moments when I feel that same hope. Mostly I think about how I'm going to pay my bills or whether my withdrawal from grad school will affect my chances of ever pursuing a higher education again. Oh, I fantasize - maybe I'll invent something really great one day, or maybe I'll win the lottery, or perhaps I'll actually make something of myself. But I don't think there's actually any belief behind it.
I realize this is entirely depressing. I'm really pressing myself to finish this post when I'd rather be watching Friends. (I have like 10 half-written posts waiting to be finished; I feel a compelling need to get my thoughts out there tonight). Here's why I'm not stopping, though: I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know there are so many others out there who are my age, or older, or younger, who are at a point in their lives where you may be questioning things - hell, you may be questioning everything. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers.
But I need to tell you this, just as much as I need to make myself hear it: You are so loved, and you are so important to this world. Your light and your love is crucial to those around you, those whom you know well and those with which you've only had the briefest of interactions.
Going into 2018, there's nothing I'm more sure of than this: We need each other. So if you can just hold on, I know there's something good around the corner. I feel it. I believe it. I know it.
Stick with me. We're almost there.
xoxo
Christine
However, while I was searching for the Best Friends Book, I came across tons of stuff that I'd saved from my junior high and high school days, and naturally, I had to examine everything and reminisce. A couple of things from my senior year stuck out to me in particular and still stand out in my mind, as 2017 comes rapidly to an end, and I can't help but reflecting on all I have and haven't accomplished this year (...or any of the other years).
One of those things was a collection of essays that I compiled and had bound for an English project in 12th grade - most of the essays were rather dull, as the topics were pulled from a list given to us by the teacher. However, the cover page caught my attention. It had pictures of me and my friends on it, and the title was phrased as though this collection of essays was my future self's memoir. The cover said something along the lines of "Memoirs of a ____," and fill in the blank with like 10 different labels - animal rights activist, talk show host, author, philanthropist, the list goes on. When I first saw the cover page, I couldn't help but laugh at how ambitious I had been.
The other item was my senior yearbook. You know how seniors get their own special page at the beginning of the yearbook where they have quotes or little bios written underneath their pictures? Mine said this of my plans post-high school: "babies, marriage, college - not in that order" (I have no babies, no marriage, and a college degree that took me 7 years to get and is so far proving useless, by the way). And then my favorite Bible verse: Psalms 37:4 "Delight in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." I had always believed in that statement, accepted it as truth. Now I desperately cling to the notion.
And as I reflect on those imprints of my past self, I am taken aback at how different I am today, and it makes me very sad - I rarely feel the same kind of hope that I glean from reading the declarations I once made about who I was and who I was going to be. I sit here, still jobless after searching for almost 2 months, wondering when I should just give up entirely on any remnants of the dreams I still have (and there were so many, as you read earlier). I was 17 years old and so sure that I was going to be somebody great - somebody who might even change the world. Now, I am 25 years old, and there are only occasional, brief moments when I feel that same hope. Mostly I think about how I'm going to pay my bills or whether my withdrawal from grad school will affect my chances of ever pursuing a higher education again. Oh, I fantasize - maybe I'll invent something really great one day, or maybe I'll win the lottery, or perhaps I'll actually make something of myself. But I don't think there's actually any belief behind it.
I realize this is entirely depressing. I'm really pressing myself to finish this post when I'd rather be watching Friends. (I have like 10 half-written posts waiting to be finished; I feel a compelling need to get my thoughts out there tonight). Here's why I'm not stopping, though: I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know there are so many others out there who are my age, or older, or younger, who are at a point in their lives where you may be questioning things - hell, you may be questioning everything. Unfortunately, I don't have the answers.
But I need to tell you this, just as much as I need to make myself hear it: You are so loved, and you are so important to this world. Your light and your love is crucial to those around you, those whom you know well and those with which you've only had the briefest of interactions.
Going into 2018, there's nothing I'm more sure of than this: We need each other. So if you can just hold on, I know there's something good around the corner. I feel it. I believe it. I know it.
Stick with me. We're almost there.
xoxo
Christine
Christine, your words and sentiment touched my heart because I know it isn't easy to be still and keep the faith in the midst of any storm. Here are my unsolicited tidbits to consider:
ReplyDelete1. The timeline you seem to be measuring your successes/failures by is self-imposed and may or may not be in keeping with what God has planned for your life. Be patient. :-)
"So it is best for us to wait in patience—to wait for him to save us—And it is best to learn this patience in our youth."
(Lamentations 3:25-27)
2. God has plans for your life and they will be revealed in HIS timing, not our own. Consider this: Samuel L. Jackson (actor; look him up) was 46 before he caught his big break (most notable role). Charles Darwin was 50 before he published "On the Origin of the Species" and gained notoriety on the world's stage. Vera Wang was 40 before she decided to become a designer. And Harland Sanders (KFC founder) was "a failure who got fired from a dozen jobs before starting his restaurant, and then failed at that when he went out of business and found himself broke at the age of 65," before selling the first Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise in 1952. Where would we be if these individuals had held themselves to any kind of timeline and chosen NOT to live each day with an indomitable spirit and a resolve to keep trying? (The world would be missing out on the yummiest chicken pot pie available and the most beautifully designed wedding dresses and off the rack couture, to name just a few. lol) I hope these little tidbits offer you a little comfort and HOPE on some level. Hang in there!
XOXO
Pam
So many things to say about this and I’m not sure where to start. My very first real memory of you: we were sitting at sonic and I asked about what your parents did. “My dad is a doctor and my mom is a scientist” the way you said it was so cute-so matter of fact. From that day, I knew you would do big things. I knew you would be somebody. Maybe that hasn’t happened yet, your big break but I have no doubt that it will. I don’t admire you any less today then I did 15 years ago. It took me until the age of 34 to really get the career I wanted. 35 to have a child.
ReplyDeleteMy advice: start letting things happen organically. They will. I promise. Don’t go after the highest paid or highest position job. I don’t mean to clump “you millineals” together but I feel like your generation has to love what they are doing. That’s just not true for a lot of people. You could have worked many places by now but you are looking for the perfect job. Just get one already and the rest will come. Explore, take chances on different companies. You won’t know until you try. Hell, you could become the next CEO of 7-11. You never know your path until you hop on. I love you Christine and am a huge believer and fan of yours.