We all know that classic movies from any genre typically feature a damsel in distress and a knight in shining armor (so to speak) who shows up at the perfect moment to save her from whatever her woes are. Ever since I was a teenager, I recall this being an issue for anyone who felt like the world should be raising girls to be strong and independent versus weak and needy of a man. That's fair. I definitely consider myself strong and independent. But I feel like the reverse scenario of the damsel-in-distress plot line isn't that great, either.
Some of my favorite movies are actually about women who save men - though not from dragons or evil masterminds. No, I'd venture to say that these stories are actually probably even more unrealistic than those kinds of fantasy stories, because you see, when a woman has to save a man, it's typically from himself.
Let me give you a few examples:
A Walk to Remember: Classic tear-jerker romance movie based on the Nicholas Sparks novel about a badboy douchebag who falls in love with the dweeb nice girl at school then finds out she has leukemia and decides that he's just going to be a better person from thereon out. She changes him.
He's Just Not That Into You: This is one of my favorite romantic comedies. There are several plot lines, but perhaps the most prominent narrative is about a girl who keeps falling for guys who aren't actually interested in her. So she turns to a male acquaintance for advice, and he basically lets her know that all guys are assholes. So when she falls for him, he's like what'd you expect, I'm also an asshole. But then he realizes he's actually in love with her, too, and ends up being her soul mate. So that's realistic...
Shrek: I love the Shrek series. And Shrek is a little bit different from the previous examples, because it is about a male character who saves a female character from dragons and bad guys. But it's also about a strong female character who saves Shrek from the miserable, lonely life of an ogre with a bad attitude. And that's just the first movie. Shrek struggles throughout the rest of the movies - first with marriage and his identity in relation to his wife's family, and then with the prospect of having kids, and then his identity again as a dad and local celebrity. And all the while, Fiona is steadfast and compassionate, and she just holds it together. As I'm writing this, I'm amazed at how Dreamworks managed to create an entertaining cartoon movie series about a middle-aged man having such problems, but they did. I'm also thinking about how many women can probably relate to Fiona and are sitting here wishing that the Shreks in their lives could just get their shit together.
I could go on with this list, but I think that gives you a pretty good idea of the ideas that are being fed to girls and young women everywhere. Movies like this (and a lot of country songs, come to think of it) tell girls, "Oh you're strong, you're kind, you're amazing, alright. The guy you love isn't, though, so you need to fix that. And you can if you try hard enough!" Well, I'm calling BS.
Before I go any further, I need to make a disclaimer, because I feel like people may be confused as to what I believe, and honestly, it's changed and it will probably continue to change. But I need to tell you that I believe in God. Now I don't necessarily 100% believe that God created the world in 7 days and that the animals lined up two by two and God flooded the world and the donkey talked to the guy and David threw a stone at a giant and then God sent Jesus to die and rise again. I mean, that may have all happened, I'm certainly not denying it... But here's what I KNOW about God - and I can't explain it, I can't give you scientific proof, I just know it to be true in my life - God is love. He loves us. Unconditionally. God gives us grace. He has a purpose for our lives. He wants us to love each other. These are the things I know. So when I talk about God here in a minute, just know that I'm not trying to preach at you. I just want you to know what I've learned and where my heart is at this moment in time.
So here it is, ladies.
Despite what movies and music tell you, and despite what you may, in your heart of hearts, want to believe: You cannot change anyone - not your friend, not your mom, and especially not your significant other. The only person that can truly change the heart of anyone is God. And guess what? In order for that to even happen, that person has to accept and embrace that change.
Now, I grew up in a world where I constantly heard the phrase "unequally yoked." To someone who is not familiar with the Bible, this phrase probably sounds nutso. It sounds nutso to me, honestly. But what it means is that two people who are romantically involved do not believe the same things - one may be a Christian and the other an atheist, or one a Catholic and the other Jewish. Now, in the church world, you never want to be unequally yoked. So I always learned, growing up, that I needed to marry a Christian (since I was a Christian), and if I didn't, that my marriage would be doomed from the getgo.
Here's the thing: I love people. I do not care what you believe; I will love you just the same. And romantically speaking, I could probably fall in love with a rock. I just can usually always find the good in someone. So I honestly kind of turned my nose up at this advice (really, it was a command the way it was communicated, but isn't everything in that environment?). But there is truth to it. Not that I think to marry someone who believes differently than you is an automatic sentence to hell or anything, but I do agree that just because you love someone does not mean you can love them enough to turn them into someone else. That's not to say you shouldn't pray for them or try to influence them for the better, but I just don't believe that it is anyone's responsibility or purpose to change anyone else. That's ultimately up to that person.
It's especially tricky in the context of a romantic relationship, because really girls, your significant other should make you better just as much as you should make him better. It's not fair to you to always be the strong one, the good one, the stable one (and if the man in the relationship is that person, it's not fair to him either). I have a hard truth for you: If you and your significant other are not making each other better people, then maybe you're just comfortable.
I know there's so much more to this issue than I've even begun to discuss. For example, a foundational part of the woman-saving-the-man-from-himself narrative is that women are typically more likely to go for "bad boys," because for some reason, being a douche is attractive to us? Everyone knows that, I think. I mean, it is human nature to want something you can't have. We learned that in the book of Genesis when Eve ate Satan's apple.
Personally, I love the idea of helping people and making their lives better so much that I'll do it even when it's not good for me. In the past, I have given and given and given in friendships and relationships, and I've often come out feeling alone and depleted. And through that, I've learned that no matter how good I am, or how much I do, I do not have the power to change someone else's heart, mind, or life. That is up to God. God can certainly use me, but if I myself am struggling with my faith or my emotions or my mental health, I'm probably not helping anyone. This is what I mean when I say that the right relationships will make you better just as much as they will make the other person better. Your faith will increase; your emotions will steady; your mental health will improve. And you deserve that. Pay attention to this: That is what God wants for you.
The bottom line is this: God did not create you to be anyone's savior. There is already a Savior, and He is the only one who can truly change anyone. The messages you've been getting are wrong. You see, you are strong. You are kind. You are amazing. But that should not be in spite of a relationship, but rather because of it (at least in part).
Let me say this again: You. Deserve. That.
Xoxo
Christine
Shrek: I love the Shrek series. And Shrek is a little bit different from the previous examples, because it is about a male character who saves a female character from dragons and bad guys. But it's also about a strong female character who saves Shrek from the miserable, lonely life of an ogre with a bad attitude. And that's just the first movie. Shrek struggles throughout the rest of the movies - first with marriage and his identity in relation to his wife's family, and then with the prospect of having kids, and then his identity again as a dad and local celebrity. And all the while, Fiona is steadfast and compassionate, and she just holds it together. As I'm writing this, I'm amazed at how Dreamworks managed to create an entertaining cartoon movie series about a middle-aged man having such problems, but they did. I'm also thinking about how many women can probably relate to Fiona and are sitting here wishing that the Shreks in their lives could just get their shit together.
I could go on with this list, but I think that gives you a pretty good idea of the ideas that are being fed to girls and young women everywhere. Movies like this (and a lot of country songs, come to think of it) tell girls, "Oh you're strong, you're kind, you're amazing, alright. The guy you love isn't, though, so you need to fix that. And you can if you try hard enough!" Well, I'm calling BS.
Before I go any further, I need to make a disclaimer, because I feel like people may be confused as to what I believe, and honestly, it's changed and it will probably continue to change. But I need to tell you that I believe in God. Now I don't necessarily 100% believe that God created the world in 7 days and that the animals lined up two by two and God flooded the world and the donkey talked to the guy and David threw a stone at a giant and then God sent Jesus to die and rise again. I mean, that may have all happened, I'm certainly not denying it... But here's what I KNOW about God - and I can't explain it, I can't give you scientific proof, I just know it to be true in my life - God is love. He loves us. Unconditionally. God gives us grace. He has a purpose for our lives. He wants us to love each other. These are the things I know. So when I talk about God here in a minute, just know that I'm not trying to preach at you. I just want you to know what I've learned and where my heart is at this moment in time.
So here it is, ladies.
Despite what movies and music tell you, and despite what you may, in your heart of hearts, want to believe: You cannot change anyone - not your friend, not your mom, and especially not your significant other. The only person that can truly change the heart of anyone is God. And guess what? In order for that to even happen, that person has to accept and embrace that change.
Now, I grew up in a world where I constantly heard the phrase "unequally yoked." To someone who is not familiar with the Bible, this phrase probably sounds nutso. It sounds nutso to me, honestly. But what it means is that two people who are romantically involved do not believe the same things - one may be a Christian and the other an atheist, or one a Catholic and the other Jewish. Now, in the church world, you never want to be unequally yoked. So I always learned, growing up, that I needed to marry a Christian (since I was a Christian), and if I didn't, that my marriage would be doomed from the getgo.
Here's the thing: I love people. I do not care what you believe; I will love you just the same. And romantically speaking, I could probably fall in love with a rock. I just can usually always find the good in someone. So I honestly kind of turned my nose up at this advice (really, it was a command the way it was communicated, but isn't everything in that environment?). But there is truth to it. Not that I think to marry someone who believes differently than you is an automatic sentence to hell or anything, but I do agree that just because you love someone does not mean you can love them enough to turn them into someone else. That's not to say you shouldn't pray for them or try to influence them for the better, but I just don't believe that it is anyone's responsibility or purpose to change anyone else. That's ultimately up to that person.
It's especially tricky in the context of a romantic relationship, because really girls, your significant other should make you better just as much as you should make him better. It's not fair to you to always be the strong one, the good one, the stable one (and if the man in the relationship is that person, it's not fair to him either). I have a hard truth for you: If you and your significant other are not making each other better people, then maybe you're just comfortable.
I know there's so much more to this issue than I've even begun to discuss. For example, a foundational part of the woman-saving-the-man-from-himself narrative is that women are typically more likely to go for "bad boys," because for some reason, being a douche is attractive to us? Everyone knows that, I think. I mean, it is human nature to want something you can't have. We learned that in the book of Genesis when Eve ate Satan's apple.
Personally, I love the idea of helping people and making their lives better so much that I'll do it even when it's not good for me. In the past, I have given and given and given in friendships and relationships, and I've often come out feeling alone and depleted. And through that, I've learned that no matter how good I am, or how much I do, I do not have the power to change someone else's heart, mind, or life. That is up to God. God can certainly use me, but if I myself am struggling with my faith or my emotions or my mental health, I'm probably not helping anyone. This is what I mean when I say that the right relationships will make you better just as much as they will make the other person better. Your faith will increase; your emotions will steady; your mental health will improve. And you deserve that. Pay attention to this: That is what God wants for you.
The bottom line is this: God did not create you to be anyone's savior. There is already a Savior, and He is the only one who can truly change anyone. The messages you've been getting are wrong. You see, you are strong. You are kind. You are amazing. But that should not be in spite of a relationship, but rather because of it (at least in part).
Let me say this again: You. Deserve. That.
Xoxo
Christine
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